Desire
by Sesshy's Girl 00
Summary: A one shotsong fict thingy, Rei's thoughts right before she blows herself up to kill the sixteenth angel


The following story is a song fict writtento Damaged by Plumb/ Plumbet (I found the band listed as both aloth I suspect it's correctly Plumb)(So confusing) It's written from Rei's prespective right before and during the battel with the sixteenth angel (nuf said).

It's kind of sad (Thats' a given concidering the subject) but I thinks it came outpretty good. So I guess all I've got to say is read and enjoy!**_

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**_Dreaming comes so easily, cause it's all that I have known_**

Rei starred vacantly at the ceiling trying to clear her mind. Always before this trick had worked and she'd been able to sleep. Just clear her mind and forget everything. But not this time. Her mind refused to let go of Pilot Sohyu's words.

_"That little bitch Rei, She saved me! I hate her"_

Rei rolled uneasily onto her stomach hoping to find a more comfortable position. It didn't help. Why did Pilot Sohyu insist on keeping her up? She looked at the clock, 1:00 p.m. This wasn't like her; she should feel tired after spending all night at Nerv. Then why did she feel so tense. Rei heard her door open and footsteps enter. "Rei You here?" Called Ikari-kun's voice.

_**True love is a fairytale. I'm damaged, so how would I know.**_

She heard Shinji slip off his shoes and enter through the door. She didn't bother to get up to greet him, instead only trying to look at him. He seemed nervous and on edge as he frequently did when she saw him. She watched him take the folding chair and set it beside her bed before he took a seat. "How are you, Ayanami?" He asked after a long silence.

She wanted to say no. Ask him why she was so bothered by Pilot Sohyu's words. Instead the words, "Fine.", left her mouth before she could stop them.

Shinji looked at her in surprise for a long time. "Are you sure? I saw you leave after I talked to Asuka. You looked upset. Did you hear her?"

"Yes. I heard what she said."

"You're not bothered by it?"

"No."

She'd done it again. She'd wanted to tell him. So he could explain to her why she felt so upset. Was it even possible for her to be so concerned about what other's thought of her? Could it be she wanted Pilot Sohyu to like her? No. Couldn't be. She was hot tempered, loud, rude and insulting. Why should Rei care what Asuka thought of her? Rei saw Shinji considering her and forced herself back to the present. What was he thinking?

"You're going to be the first one out next time." He began.

"Yes, I know."

"I can't go out and with Asuka's sync ratio so low we don't know how she'll do. You'll be on your own."

Rei sat up to face him. Her face looking as set and determined as she could make it. "I'm already aware of that." She said firmly.

"You're not scared?" he asked.

Rei shook her head. "No. this is what I've prepared for."

"But . . ."

"There is no other option."

"I know that . . . but Rei, I'm worried about you. I'm afraid you won't be okay. I'm scared to death that you won't come back. I don't want you to die."

Rei looked at him in surprise and wonder. He was sacred for her? Not even the Commander had expressed such feelings. She felt him place his hand over hers. He was looking at her pleading, desperately. She'd never seen such a look in anyone's face.

Rei opened her mouth to tell him yes but was cut off by the blare of the sires. She rose stiffly and straightened her skirt. "I have to go. Good bye, Ikari-kun."

She turned and left swiftly through the door. Shinji watched her go, too surprised to stop her. As the door banged shut he called after her, "You said you'd never use those words, Rei. Dammit."

_**I'm scared and I'm alone, I'm ashamed And I need for you to know**_

Rei pressed the air release button on her plug suit and it fit it's self to her body with a hiss. She turned to leave just as Ikari-kun entered. Rei didn't know what had become of Pilot Sohyu. She watched him set his plug suit on the bench and begin to strip. Rei turned away to avoid seeing any suggestive detail. She wanted to stay and finish their conversation but she knew duty called. Rei left with out a word and made her way to Unit Zero. Dr. Akagi had it ready and waiting her. Rei climbed inside and in no time she was ready to go. "Eva Unit Zero, lift off!" Cried Major Misato.

Rei shot off towards the surface at blazing speed. She arrived there to find herself faced with the strangest angel yet. It was two giant interwoven rings of light. They were rotating slowly around in a circle. "Hold back and observe it." The Major ordered her.

"No. It's coming."

Rei knew it. Like the deepest truth ever known, in the marrow of her bones. The angel was after her. She was going to get it and for the first time she was scared.

_**I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, And you can't take back what you've taken away, Cause I feel you, I feel you near me**_

Rei watched as the two rings become one and they split to become one long line. It turned and aimed itself at her. "Rei! Take evasive action."

It was too late. With blind speed it broke through her A.T. field and imbedded itself in unit zero's stomach. Veins appeared on her stomach and quickly began to spread. Rei could feel it forcing her sync ratio gradually higher, making everything the Eva experienced painfully real. She could feel it; the angel was trying to infiltrate her mind through her link to the Eva. It was winning, slowly bit by bit. It was chipping away at her one weakness. Unit Zero's soul was her soul. Rei tried to imagine an impenetrable wall in her mind, using it in an attempt to keep the angel out. Rei refused to surrender to Pilot Sohyu's fate. She would not let the angel taint her mind, or ruin her. If she was going to loose she vowed to take the angel with her. Even if it meant becoming a living bomb, using the forbidden mode. Rei's back arched in pain as the angel imbedded itself further. "Why do you resist yourself?" Asked a voice in the back of her mind.

"No." She replied with more vehemence then she realized she had "I resist you, the enemy."

Rei almost thought she heard it laugh at her. Off to her right she vaguely saw lights flashing. Unit Two appeared, "Asuka move out! Take some of that heat off Rei!" Major Katsuragi ordered.

Unit two didn't budge. Rei guessed right away what the problem was; Pilot Sohyu's sync ratio was too low. She could no longer mover her Eva. Rei sensed the angel trying to locate unit two through her because unit two had no A.T. field the angel needed eyes to find her. Rei closed her eyes and looked away. Concentrating on resisting the angel. "Get her out of there. She's just a sitting target!" She heard Major Katsuragi yell.

Rei saw Unit two disappearing underground amid her cries of, why wouldn't it work? I had told her why not long ago. "Father, let me go out!" Rei heard Ikari-kun ask.

Rei heard the Commander assent and orders given for Unit One's launch. "Why for her? Am I so worth less they couldn't do it for me?" Rei heard a soft voice moan.

At first she thought it was her imagination or the angel trying to get to her. However that didn't seem right. Suddenly she realized that it was Pilot Sohyu that had spoken. What had she been talking about? Rei wondered. It occurred to her that Asuka was upset that Ikari-kun was coming to help her but she hadn't been allowed to help Asuka. That must be what she was upset about. "I'm sorry if you're offended but I was given a chance as you just were. I was only trying to help a fellow pilot in trouble." Rei told her mentally.

_**Healing comes so painfully. And it chills me to the bone. Will anyone get close to me? I'm damaged as I'm sure you know. **_

"What is this feeling?" The angel's voice echoed in her ears.

"What?" Rei responded.

"This pain . . ."

Pain . . . Rei echoed.

Suddenly She was caught in a flash back from the first angel's attack. She'd been badly injured but told to pilot anyway. She had been brought in front of the Eva only to have her bed knocked out from under her. She remembered pain, so much pain. Then Ikari-kun had taken her in his arms. It had been comforting and protective. Rei had felt safe for the first time. All too soon he had replaced her on her bed and left. From then on he had avoided her. Found her to be an enigma. Rei had made no attempt to change anything between them. She'd been too shy and locked in her old patterns to. Shinji had made a few attempts but she was afraid she'd left him feeling put out.

What is this pain?

Pain . . . This, this is loneliness.

Yes she was lonely. There had always been loneness but Rei had learned to ignore it.

The next thing she knew Rei was standing in front of a large pool of LCL. Across from her was a girl who looked like her but she knew to be the angel. The pain was gone now, only an odd sensation in the background of her mind. "Who are you?" She asked.

"The darkness that resided in your soul. That which you fear most."

"Go away." Rei told her.

The angel didn't appear to have listened. Instead it continued to speak. "Come let us be one. Let me share with you this loneliness."

"No I am me and you are you."

The angel said nothing in response but the veins began to reappear along with the pain. She was mad, Rei could tell. The scene slowly faded out and the pain returned in full force. From the corner of her eye she saw Unit One appear. "Shinji spread you're A.T. field. Get Rei out of there!"

Rei felt the angel react to the Major's words. It was going to go after him. The Second Unit One's A.T. field appeared the angel's other end turned and went for him.

"Ikari-kun!" Rei cried out.

Shinji got out of the way in the nick of time but his gun wasn't so lucky. It was destroyed, broken into multiple pieces. The angel turned and come again. This time Shinji was forced to grab it with his hand. Instantly veins appeared on his hand. He responded by stabbing it with his prog knife. Rei flinched in response, the feed back from the angel must be getting stronger she realized. "It hurts, Ikari!" She heard the angel say.

Darn her Rei thought. Leave Ikari-kun alone. Your fights with me.

_**I'm sacred and I'm alone, I'm shamed and I need for you to know**_

"Make me." the angel taunted.

"Don't worry I will, this isn't over." Rei told her.

Distantly she heard Ikari-kun call, "Rei stop it. You're scaring me."

Rei narrowed her eyes. She had to end this now. She'd protect Ikari to the end. "Scared?" Asked the angel.

"You wish." Rei told her.

It had been a lie though. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to get Ikari-kun out of this.

**_I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say. And you can't take back what you've taken away, Cause I feel you. I feel you near me._**

Rei blinked. Why was she crying? Was this the angel's doing or were theses her tears. Rei didn't know. They were too interlinked now for her to tell the difference.

She transfixed by the image of the Commander's glasses in her mind. That's right; she'd never given them back. "I'm sorry sir." She thought "I'm afraid I won't be able to now." I know you'll understand."

_**There's mending for my soul. And ending to this fear, Forgiveness for a man who was stronger, I was just a little girl but I can go back **_

Rei had a brief flash back to her childhood. Long days spent in isolation in the depths of Nerv. Learning from the Commander. During that time Rei had become bound to him. Yes, you could even say she'd become his puppet. She'd not know better at the time but in retrospect she'd realized what it was. Rei had come to hate it silently and bitterly. She'd wanted nothing but to go back and take the naïve little girl who she was away from him. Now however she had come to forgive him. Yes Rei could honestly say she held nothing against him. She knew that what was done was done and there was no way she could undo it now.

_**I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, And you can't take back what you've taken away, Cause I feel you, I feel you near me**_

Rei some how managed to get her Eva's hand around her prog knife. She tried to stab the angel but it dogged her. Rei could feel the angel's anger like it was her own as it buried it's self into unit zero further. It was no good. Rei tried again but she had no power over her Eva anymore. Rei looked over at the mode control lever and then at Unit One.

She was writhing in pain as the angel tried to do to Shinji what it was doing to Rei. Even now she could feel her mind coming dangerously closer to his.

"You will not." Rei told the angel out loud.

Rei reversed her A.T. drawing the angel to her. She used all her will to force herself to her feet and take the necessary steps to reach the mode control lever. She pulled it up activating Mode D. Self destruction. "You're coming with me." Rei swore silently.

Instantly Rei felt the line between herself and Ikari-kun become more defined. At the same time the angel's infiltration increase. She was losing her mind, Rei knew. That was okay, it would all be over in moments. All she had to do was keep herself together until then. Rei sank weakly back into her seat. She was suddenly so very tired. "Her cores going critical! It's going to explode."

"Rei get out of there! It's going to blow up!"

"No" Rei replied "If I leave the A.T. field will cease to be."

She wouldn't run. Not even cry or plead for her life. She was going to sit here and take it. Rei closed her eyes. She could feel the explosion rising up in her core towards her. She would die, for Ikari-kun. She vowed.

**_Can't go back, Can't go back, Can't go back, Can't go back, I can't go back, I can't go back, I can't go back, I must go on, I must go on, I must go on, I must go on, I must go on, I must go on, I must go on,_**

"Rei! Get out of there! Rei you've got to run!"

Everything was a blur and she could barely remember who she was. All she knew was that she had to do was stay here. It was pain, pain everywhere. The explosion was getting closer and closer. Ripping her body apart. She could feel the blood pouring over her body. Part of her was screaming in anger for vengeance. Why she half wondered. What would cause her to want vengeance? It didn't make sense. She blinked and there was The Commander, smiling at her. She felt relief at seeing him. She felt light as the wind. Free, she was finally free.

What is it you desire?

Rei paused. What did she want? She wanted . . . She wanted . . . She wanted . . . Rei couldn't think of the answer. Her mind was too far gone. She felt the explosion reach her as the answer came to her in a final moment of clarity. She wanted to live.

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Love it? Hate it? Want to flame me? Go right a head and send mea review. Any at all are appricated. 


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